Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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