i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
