I think my fart just growled at me.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
