new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
