the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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