how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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