at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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