I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
