Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
being pregnant is like rehab
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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