You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
