Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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