Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
false alarm. still invincible.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
