I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
