I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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