theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Randomize
