Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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