I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
