Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
