Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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