Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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