He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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