her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
