His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
