It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
