Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
