i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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