He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
