I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
