I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
