the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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