it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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