What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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