Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
