my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I have tasted many bathrooms
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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