the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
