So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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