Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
