1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
