we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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