id be glad to
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
