i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
