mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
