Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
