Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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