dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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