all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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