If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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