Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
