I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
