I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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