Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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