guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
